The words they keep calling, and calling to me to awaken… I jolted, and startled the other morning with all of these words running around in my head, I could not shake them… I would breathe in, and exhale, but the words kept their hold over me, like I was being wrapped up in a BIG GIANT uncomfortable, yet needed hug..
There’s only one thing this means for me… it’s time to sit down and write the words to share, and release all that is ready to come out.
Writing for me has become such an incredible way to rebirth, and a learning of meeting myself where I am, and not where I feel I should be.
“She” kept calling to her and pleading with her to listen to important the call… But she, would not listen, NO she did NOT want to go back there again to be in isolation and that uncomfortable feeling of being disconnected…. “NO!” she kept telling that voice she just couldn’t do it anymore!!
And then after many years of this inner dialog it naturally happened on it’s own without her consent, without her being on board. It happened naturally just as she knew deep down it should… But wait wasn’t “She”, (the deep inner knowing she of me) urging me to listen to the call, and why did she continue no matter how many times I shooed her away?.. Weren’t we all being called to listen to the call? Weren’t we all shooing that inner voice away?.. I’m most certain that my inner voice was not the only one urging me to stop and listen… I know I was in need of a break, but how to get off the rollercoaster, how to find the time for this most important break? How was there going to be the time to look inward, and to find the space of what I/ we were all wanting, needing and urging to have? The urgent call arrived, and it’s happened just as naturally as it was always meant to happen… Not the way we planned, not one bit at all was this how we saw the re-birth playing out..
You can feel it in us all from the onset that this was not the way we intended this break to happen. There has to be a better way right? It’s so unfamiliar, yet familiar at the same time because it’s so uncomfortable to not be in total complete control. Some of us have said “Wait we don’t want this, make it go away!!!! Take us back to normal life right this instant!!”
It’s such a big change to step away from the old pain regardless if it’s meant to happen, or very much needed as it is in this most uncomfortable experience in life, because I can speak for she of my inner me, normal life was too much fun to stop and listen, it was moving along as it should, no interruption was needed so we all thought..
You see you and me we’re really no different from one another, we all want to live our lives joyfully, and free from any suffering or pain. However the reality of suffering and pain is what needed to happen and very much needed to be our new reality.
On a subconscious level we know the pain of birth from the experience of our own birth into these physical body’s. And sadly all too often the pain becomes hidden and gets deeply buried as we journey though life. We learn how to live life within the process of how life is meant to live according to society, and the pain gets hidden under the surface. The way back to ourselves is the natural journey of how we learn to uncover each layer from the surface to live in the birthright of our life, and to learn and discover that there is a balance to it all, and it’s not going to be all peaches, and cream, or all roses and playful, there’s got to be work that needs to be done.
This journey in which we live definitely comes with pain and suffering as we all know, yes there are the happy moments that we like to cling to because they are more pleasant because the thought of pain and suffering can and does feel so uncomfortable, but this is our time to explore the uncomfortableness, and to find comfort in the pain so that we can unlearn the old patterns of the shield of armor we clothed ourselves with.
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “armor?”
For me I see a tall armored knightress standing in front of a castle (yes I imagine it’s my castle:) she’s all protected covered head to toe in sturdy strong steel armor , and ready every day to step into battle for the fight of her life just to save my life. She’s poised, ready and “IS” the baddest bad ass warrior’ess you’ve ever seen, because she’s my protector, my own personal amor that no words, or experiences can stop her from the protection she provides.
Does this sound like what your armor might look like, or maybe something similar?
So now the question how do we not just let go of the armor, or shove it deep deep away so that that those damn uncomfortable feelings don’t come back while we do the unlearning to find our new normal to meet ourselves right here where we are when it’s time to go back out into the world?!?
It’s like a re-birth just like any mother knows as she births her baby’s there will be pain, but after birth there is so much joy, such an awakening that holds so much promise of new beginnings with so much to explore and love that the pain of the birth is no longer apart of our pain body consciousness, but held in the consciousness of the mind and heart as an awareness of the journey into one of the greatest gifts in life.
Each mother has a very different experience because it’s their own unique individual experience, and that’s exactly what each of us has this opportunity to play out in our own unique re-birth. We don’t have to agree in how we travel through this re-birth, or how much longer it takes some of us to walk ourselves back home to ourselves. Just as we all have different eyes, hair color, personalities, hearts, and souls, so is our individual unique journey.
It’s funny when the need to write calls to me I know just how much writing is such a BIG part of my souls journey yet I still dig my heels in, and find other things that are way more important to do… I procrastinate and procrastinate, over, and over, and over again, and again… Why? Because that’s the OLD pattern, the one that gets so ingrained into our pain body, that it’s beyond scary to not stay attached to the familiar pain we’ve each created in order to survive.
Re-birthing is seeing the patterns that are not working for us, and sitting with them, and digesting them just as we do our food, and wanting the clothes that we insist will fit again if we can just lose a few pounds. It’s not about losing these old patterns, but it’s about really tasting them just as we would our favorite food, or dessert. It’s about finding the love in each situation, and looking into how love is there to show us the awareness of how we can come from a place of love, not only for ourselves, but love in each and every experience to thrive in life.
This re-birth can definitely be EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and it will be at times, however if we think about all of the most uncomfortable experiences we’ve learned from in life we see that we can get back on the bike after we’ve skinned our knee from falling off, or getting back into anything that’s meaningful to us, because life is ALWAYS happening for us, and NEVER AGAINST us.
Sure there’s lots of fear out there, and there will always be the fear of fear, but fear as I’ve learned is the call to action. These moments of fear are not always the call to challenge the fear we might feel from the media, or things that others might say that open old fear wounds or uncomfortable feelings that creep in in these moments of fear. Fear means that we care, and we want to do our best, and if there’s fear then we are bringing into action what is calling for our attention right? Interesting questions to ponder.
Our biggest awareness in this lifetime is to do what is right, and to live in love in all that we do. There will be days that you want to crawl under the covers and eat an entire pint or more of ice cream, or sip on a bottle of wine at night, or whatever brings you that extra comfort in trying times, but really if we are always pushing ourselves to buck up, and shove that shit away, then we will miss the best part of life, and that’s to live this experience in love regardless of what might be happening. Doing what is right is NOT forcing ourselves to be right for everybody else. Doing what is morally right in the name of love is giving yourself space to live life in conscious awareness. We need to cry when we feel the need to cry, laugh, serve others, dance, scream, rant, explore, heal, and exercise when we need to connect to these feelings, because these are all natural ways that our body and mind are designed to release. They key is to not get too attached to these feelings, and to see them just like our breath, the feelings come in just like an inhale, and they soften just enough on the exhale to be acknowledged, felt, heard, and guide us to the next breath, and the next moment. Sitting with the uncomfortable thoughts and awareness is important, it’s in the moments we take the deep breath to clear the path, and get up to take that one step to move beyond the pain, and to see that the pain is what brought us to the courage of taking that step, even if it’s just one step that day, it’s ok. That’s true re-birth.
All that I’ve written and shared about takes time to cultivate, and it’s all apart of the journey. There is no magical moment when you get hit with the feeling that you are healed, and enlightened from your pain, but what does come is freedom from the uncomfortable attachment. I love that the feeling of coming home to ourselves can come in the most interesting places, like a laundromat, gas station, or a stop light where you had no idea how long you were stopped there because life just feels and looks so fucking beautiful that the stop light or anything that’s happening around you really doesn’t matter, even if you’re being honked at my not one, but serval car horns, all that matters is the gift of your messy, imperfect gloriously joy filled, complicated beautiful uncomfortable life!!!!
For me what helps is to serve others, and to create content of an exchange of energy. Teaching yoga has brought me to more tears than I’ve EVER EVER wanted to release, and to more uncomfortable exchanges with myself, family and friends, but I would NEVER give up ANY of these opportunities to grow together no matter how uncomfortable any of them have been.
This experience has brought up so many emotions within myself, and towards my family and friends, the health of the world, the families that have lost their loved ones, the tirelessly working doctors, nurses, front line workers, first responders, our world as we knew it, and the changes that have been made regardless if they fit into the puzzle of my life. I have and will continue to cry for the loss, and death, the life that I and all of us so want to go out and live, but what I’ve vowed to do is to be a vessel of love and pain if it comes up, a compassionate kind virtual hug. I am here to listen, hold space, and energy for each and everyone of you as I continue to navigate my own needs, as they are no different than the needs of each and everyone of us. And that means that there most likely will be days that I am uncomfortable, and then just like that I can laugh at something silly I just read in a text, and cry the next moment, and it doesn’t mean that I am insensitive it means that it’s just another extension of awareness of this wild necessary uncomfortable experience we are living. I offer you to sit with whatever feelings come up, and feel them as if they are brand new just like the birth of a baby, see the joy within the uncomfortable re-birth our world is experiencing right now. It might not be as much joy as brand new birth, but when we get to bust outta this quarantine we will never take for granite anything that felt so simple and boring before these past 40 ish days.
Share with me in the comments what might you be experiencing in your re-birth, and how you’re navigating through this experience, and let’s hold space for each other as we experience this journey together.
I have known for awhile there is so much more that I want to create and put out in the world, and I’m getting close to what that content is. Stay tuned for this exciting announcement coming soon, not too long from now, as this 2020 vision is becoming clearer in more ways than I ever thought imaginable.
Until next week Loves,